Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
