You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
