he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
my poor anus
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
