I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
