You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
