You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Be still, my beating vagina.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
