I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
