well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
