Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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