Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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