he wants to bone in the snuggie
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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