My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
