i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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