If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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