No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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