a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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