My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
