We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
