I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
