there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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