he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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