just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
