trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
