Just fell off a train. Bad.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
