glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
