I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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