Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
