I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
