and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We need to get me chipped asap
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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