if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
