Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Randomize
