mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
