Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
