Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
