omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
