And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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