I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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