Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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