seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
