i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
