I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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