Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
