I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
