i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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