My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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