Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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