I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
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