Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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