I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
