Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
